Chinese Pepsi
Translated into Chinese, Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" slogan became "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave!"
Are You A Genealogist?
wide-brimmed hat to ward off _____
sun and rain in cemeteries../ \
-----------
trifocal glasses...............| 0^0 |..........pious expression for
dust mask.....................(|-----|) begging documents from
sticky tongue from..............\---/ distant relatives
licking stamps |-|
-----|-|-----
bent back from bending....../\\ \-/ //\ \ /8|--|..coffee mug that
over documents / || o || \ \ / 8|__| says "I Brake
muscular right arm......../ /|| ||o|| || \ \ /0/ for Cemeteries"
from cranking / / || ||o|| ||: \ \/ /:
microfilm readers / / |/ o \| : \ / :watch (to make sure you
carpal tunnel........../ / | o |: : \/ have time before the
syndrome / / | o | : : library closes to check
inky hands.........__/ / oooo==== | : : one more reference)
writer's cramp.....//// :UUUU \_|: : : vest with pedigree chart on
::| / \ | : : back for others to read
coin changer for photocopy | | | | : :shirt with large pockets
machines and the lockers | | | | : for pens, cards, etc.
at the National Archives /---\ /---\ :
| | | | :wallet and checkbook (you can
knee pads for finding....... \---/ \---/ afford genealogy because you
books on low shelves | | | | don't spend your salary on
| | | | food, clothing, or shelter)
bottom of jogging outfit.....| | | |
(recycled: who has /--/---| |---\--\
time to jog?) \--\__ | | __/--/....hiking shoes or duck boots
--by Carol Botteron as posted on soc.roots/Roots-L with suggestions from fellow Roots-L contributors
Beethoven's Ninth
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker said, incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
--Author Unknown
Ocupsyshun - Census Taker
"I am a census takers for the city of Bufflow. Our City has groan very fast in resent years & now in 1865, it has become a hard & time consuming job to count all the peephill. There are not many that con do this werk, as it is nesessarie to have an ejucashun, wich a lot of pursons still do not have. Anuther atribeart needed for this job is god spelling, for meny of the pephill to be counted can hardle speek inglish, let alon spel there names!"
Genealogist's Pox
WARNING: Very contagious to adults.
SYMPTOMS: Continual complaint as to need for names, dates, and places. Patient has a black expression, sometimes deaf to spouse and children. Has no taste for work of any kind, except feverishly looking through records at libraries and courthouses. Has compulsion to write letters. Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail. Frequents places such as cemeteries; ruins; and remote, desolate country areas. Makes secret night calls, hides phone bills from spouse, and mumbles to self. Has a strange, faraway look in eyes.
NO KNOWN CURE.
TREATMENT: Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal, but gets progressively worse. Patient should attend genealogy workshops, subscribe to genealogical magazines, and be given a quiet corner in the house where he or she can be alone.
REMARKS: The unusual nature of this disease is -- the sicker the patient gets, the more he or she enjoys it!
--Author Unknown
The Laws of Genealogy
The document containing evidence of the missing link in your research invariably will be lost due to fire, flood, or war.
The keeper of the vital records you need will just have been insulted by another genealogist.
Your great, great grandfather's obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record.
The town clerk you wrote in desperation, and finally convinced to give to you the information you need, can't write legibly, and doesn't have a copying machine.
The will you need is in the safe on board the "Titanic."
The spelling of your European ancestor's name bears no relationship to its current spelling or pronunciation.
That ancient photograph of four relatives, one of whom is your progenitor, carries the names of the other three.
Copies of old newspapers have holes which only occur on last names.
No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, always rented property, was never sued, and was never named in wills.
You learned that great aunt Matilda's executor just sold her life's collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer "somewhere in New York City."
Yours is the ONLY last name not found among the three billion in the world-famous Mormon archives in Salt Lake City.
Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded.
The 37-volume, sixteen-thousand-page history of your county of origin isn't indexed.
The critical link in your family tree is named "Smith."
--Author Unknown
You Know That You Are An Addicted Genealogist When...
The CensusWhen you brake for libraries.
If you get locked in a library overnight and you never even notice.
When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
When you think every home should have a microfilm reader.
If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book.
When you know every town clerk in your state by name.
If town clerks lock the doors when they see you coming.
When you are more interested in what happened in 1695 than 1995.
If you store your clothes under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals.
When Savage, Torrey, and Pope are household names, but you can't remember what you call your dog.
If you can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can't locate Topeka, Kansas.
When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin."
If you've traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit.
--Author Unknown
Census Taker: "Good morning, madam, I'm taking the census."
Old Lady: "The what?"
Census Taker: "The c-e-n-s-u-s!"
Old Lady: "For lans sakes! What with tramps takin' everythin' they kin lay their han's on, young folks takin' fotygrafs of ye without so much as askin', an' impudent fellows comin' roun' as wants ter take yer senses, pretty soon there won't be nothin' left ter take, I'm thinkin'."
--1890 Harper's Weekly
The Man Next Door
Nell Moore wonders if the colonists who named their children for virtues like Charity, Patience, and Prudence would choose names like Assertiveness, Self-Actualization, and Positive Thinking if they were alive today!
-- Burton Hillis
